I figured why not start a blog during the 2020 Coronavirus Crisis. It will probably be interesting to look back on and remember how I felt during this whole shit show.
I may not know everything, but what I do know is shutting down the greatest economy in the world over a disease that is mild for the majority is bonkers and just plain dumb.
I've had a lot of time to think. Who do I want to be when this is all over? I know now that I took many, many things for granted before this pandemic. I've also done a lot of self-loathing. I'm clearly spending too much time with myself and I'm starting to annoy... myself. One thing I can't seem to stop thinking about is how much I dislike people in general. Please don't get me wrong - I do love some people. Those who are in my close circle, I know I could trust my life with. I feel like that's how it should be. In a lot of ways, that's just being human.
But back to the self-loathing. It's sick, I know. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. I'm just so angry with me. I'm angry that I let people affect me so deeply. I'm mad that I beat myself up and don't always take care of myself. It's like I have all the right answers, but the current state of my mind is always in the way.
I often go back to this point in my life when I was a teenager. I signed up to climb Mt. Harvard with a jerk youth group I was "a part" of. I love nature and the mountains but I had a difficult time. I was slow, often out of breath, and just basically nonathletic. I had never played sports, but I always wanted to. Because of the reasons above, no one in the group liked me. They always left me out; never included me in anything. I've carried this with me ever since: that feeling of being unwanted. Of course, there were other things in life, but this was the first time I left my comfort zone expecting something bigger than myself to happen. In reality, I left that experience feeling small and inadequate.
I tried for so many years to break out of my skin. I started running, tanning, changing my hair - just so I could feel something; something that most take for granted. I did achieve it. I finally did it. I became confident in myself and somewhere down the road, I lost her again. But I know where she is. Right now she is unattainable.
You know what I wish worked for me? Praying. I feel like it helps so many, but whenever I do it, I feel worse. I always feel like God is trying to teach me a lesson and that I deserve to feel the way I do.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I seem to have hit a wall.
Until next time.
